Growing up.

Twenty-four, almost twenty-five, is such an awkward age. I’m torn between wanting to be the young, wild and free girl I was at twenty-one but also wanting to grow up, settle down and have my life in order. It’s such two different, broad spectrums. I know that by society’s rules I should have already been married with a kid on each hip. And while one day I would love for that reality to be truth, it’s not my time. Do you ever feel like you have so much growing up and preparing and ‘getting ready’ that the time will never come for you? And not with just starting a family, but with so many other things. A new job, a big move, being vulnerable and putting yourself out there. And all the while, of panicking and stressing over how you’re going to pay this month’s bills, you have to find yourself. But how do you even begin to understand who you are when you really don’t understand, all the time, what’s going on in the world around you? 

You want to have friends but aren’t sure where the time will come in for them. You want so bad to have a life but it’s such a hard line, of whether going out on a work night is worth it to feel like crap the next day or feel like life is passing you by all the while you’re doing nothing but sitting at home knitting. And nothing is wrong with that. I like where I am right now. I like that I can say no. I like that though I can be stubborn at times, and maybe my feet aren’t firmly planted on the ground, my head isn’t all the way in clouds. I still am able to find enough room to breathe.

I’m a dreamer. Dreams so big not even I understand how they could possibly come true one day. But that’s the thing. Some days I have such a hard time remembering they are just that, dreams, and not my reality. But who’s to say they won’t be some day. I feel like being able to dream and having these huge aspirations in life are what keep pushing me to succeed. Keep pushing me to have hope that I’ll find myself at the right place, at the right time and just know. Know that’s where I’m meant to be, maybe just for that day or for the rest of my life. And I rely on that a lot, knowing. Knowing what’s right or what’s wrong or what’s supposed to happen and all those other crazy emotions and thoughts and feelings life throws at me.

Growing up is weird. But a good weird. Though tomorrow is never promised I do know that in my still young mind I have the room for mistakes, broken hearts and bruised knees, successes and ‘oh my god did that really happens’. And it’s perfectly okay that at the age of almost twenty-five I don’t have it completely together. Not everyone does. And I also know that one day all these twisted sorts of fate of luck and love and life will come together to transform in front of me the most beautiful life I’ve ever known.

 
I just know it.